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Posted in Flanders Family Post, Home Schooling, Mailbag, Organization
Tagged assignments, charts, children, chores, home school, homeschool, homeschooling, jennifer flanders, lessons, organization
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Dear Jennifer:
What are the signs and symptoms of juvenile diabetes? What causes it?
- A Friend
Dear Readers:
These are questions I’ve been hearing a lot lately from friends and family members who learn that my thirteen year-old son was recently diagnosed with type 1 diabetes (also known as insulin-dependent or juvenile diabetes, although it can affect all ages).
The classic symptoms of diabetes are excessive thirst, excessive hunger, excessive urination, and sudden weight loss. Of course, when you are dealing with a teenage boy in the heat of the summer, those symptoms can be easy to miss. Have you ever met a growing boy who isn’t hungry all the time? It is easy to mistake sudden weight loss for a sudden growth spurt, which is also common in kids that age. We expect our children to be thirsty this time of year, especially if they spend much time outdoors. And how many teenagers notify their parents every time they need to use the restroom?
If it hadn’t been for the fact that my son was trapped in a car for a road trip and had to keep requesting pit stops, we might not have caught his diabetes as soon as we did. And this from parents who knew the signs and symptoms like the back of their hand, because our oldest son was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes twenty-one years ago, shortly before his second birthday.
Type 1 diabetes occurs when the body attacks and kills off the insulin-producing cells of the pancreas. This is different than the much more prevalent type 2 diabetes, in which the pancreas still makes insulin, but the cells are resistant to it. We don’t fully understand what causes type 1 diabetes, but there seems to be a genetic predisposition and an environmental trigger, both of which must be present for the disease to develop.
There is no cure for type 1 diabetes — it is a relentless disease. Those afflicted with it never get any time off. They must monitor their blood sugar and receive insulin injections several times a day, every day, for as long as they live. But with good management and a strong support system, they can still live a full, happy, healthy life.
If you or someone you know has been diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, I recommend you get involved with a local support group. For those living in East Texas, there is no better place to start than Tyler Type One Foundation, “a local support group established to reach out to newly diagnosed children and families with practical help, education, and friendship.” For more information, visit http://www.tylertypeone.org.
Blessings,
Jennifer
Dear Jennifer:
My husband and I have three children, but ever since the second was born, I have felt stretched to the max. Between chauffeuring kids to afterschool activities, preparing dinner, and helping with homework, I have zero energy left for my spouse at the end of the day. How do I find time for intimacy with him when my schedule’s already so packed? Once I finally get the kids to bed every night, I’m completely spent.
- Too Tired Tonight
Dear Tired:
If your schedule is too overloaded for you to spend meaningful time with your husband, then you seriously need to scale back. Trying to maintain your current pace will not only take its toll on your marriage, but may compromise your health, as well. Nor is such a full social calendar in the best interest of your children. They need a stress-free, stable home much more than they need another art lesson or baseball practice.
As for waiting until your kids are asleep before sharing intimacy with your spouse: that’s a battle you can’t win. The older they get, the later your children will stay up. Once they’re in high school or college, they may even pull a few all-nighters when finishing term papers or cramming for exams. It will be virtually impossible to outlast them, so you might as well stop trying.
Instead, invest in a good lock for your bedroom door and retreat there with your husband while the day is still young and your energy levels are high, maybe even before dinner. Set your kids to doing their homework or playing a game in the other end of the house, then tell them that Mom and Dad are going to visit and should not be disturbed unless it’s an emergency.
By the time they’ve finished their math lesson or a single round of monopoly, you’ll be back — relaxed, refreshed, and ready to spend the rest of the evening with them. And your grateful husband may even offer to do the dinner dishes.
Blessings,
Jennifer
Posted in Flanders Family Post, Mailbag, Marriage
Tagged bonding, consistency, intimacy, jennifer flanders, love, marriage, schedules, sex, time, togetherness
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Dear Jennifer:
My son’s pediatrician says he needs to be more active. I bought him a new bike, but he has no interest in riding it. All he wants to do when he’s not at school is sit in his room and watch TV or play video games. What can I do to draw him out?
- Couch Potato’s Mom
Dear Mom:
If your primary concern is getting your son to exercise, you can simply buy a stationary bike equipped with a generator that powers his television and video equipment. That way, he’ll be forced to pedal if he wants to watch TV or play games, and you’ll both get what you want.
But if you are rightly troubled by the fact that your son is missing out on much more than exercise by holing up in his room that way, I suggest you move the TV and video games out of his room altogether. Did you know that the average American teen spends 72 hours a week using electronic media (defined as television, video games, Internet, music, and cell phones)? That’s roughly equivalent to holding down two full-time jobs!
As long as all this electronic gadgetry is readily available, our kids will continue to spend their downtime using it by default. This was the case in my own family. We gave up television over twenty years ago, not be cause we didn’t like it, but because we liked it too much. As long as watching TV were an option, we’d do so for hours on end. We still have a TV set that we use to watch an occasional DVD, but it is no longer programmed to receive any broadcast or cable channels. Unplugging the TV has opened up a world of opportunities to us as a family and as individuals that would have passed us by otherwise.
If you are serious about challenging and changing the status quo at your house, consider going on a month-long media-fast. Gather the family and discuss your concerns. Lead by example (don’t expect your son to be happy about giving up his video games while you remain glued to your iPhone). Ask your child to help brainstorm ways to use the time you won’t be watching television. Teach him how to cook his favorite meal. Plant a garden together. Take a family bike ride. Read a great book aloud. Go geocaching. Visit the zoo or a local museum. Build a treehouse. Write a poem. Throw a Frisbee. The options are limited only by your imaginations, but I think you will find that the longer your family’s media-fast lasts, the more active and creative those imaginations will become.
Blessings,
Jennifer
Posted in Flanders Family Post, Mailbag, Parenting
Tagged children, discipline, exercise, health, jennifer flanders, parenting, schedules, television, time
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Dear Jennifer:
I have a question I would like to ask you about an area I struggle with but did not find addressed in your book in the chapter about seeing children as God’s blessing. My husband and I have been blessed with eight children between the ages 3 and 18. We have been open to receiving all of these, but now that we are both in our forties, we just have this “maxed out” feeling, so we’ve used condoms since the birth of our last baby. My pregnancies have never been pleasant (continual nausea/vomiting), and we just really feel “too old” to have more children. My husband has a very busy job so most of the homefront is my responsibility. Especially with the last few babies I’ve felt like I couldn’t give enough attention to the needs of our older children because all my time was taken up with the baby and trying to keep everything else running. I struggle with “letting God be in total control of our family size” (which has been our “motto”) and feeling like “we’re done”. Can you comment on this? Thank you so much!
- Maybe Eight Is Enough
Dear Enough:
I have conflicting thoughts about this matter, as I am sure you yourself and many others do as well. On the one hand, I affirm that children are a blessing and should ideally be welcomed as God sends them. On the other, I recognize the fact that we live in a fallen world and our circumstances sometimes prevent our living in strict accordance to our ideals.
For me and my husband, the decision to trust God with our family planning has been greatly simplified by the fact that He has thus far blessed us with extremely easy pregnancies, smooth deliveries, healthy babies, a happy marriage, a stable income, supportive friends and family, strong bodies, resilient minds, adequate reserves of energy, and an extra measure of faith. Were the case different regarding any of these factors, we might agonize more over our decision to leave the family planning to Him.
I also affirm that it is God who opens and closes the womb. Even if we remain committed to accept children as He sends them, that does not automatically mean that more children will be forthcoming. Even for historically fertile women like you and me, there will eventually come a time — yea, and it’s rapidly approaching — when our bodies will no longer bear. Most likely, then, the feeling that you’re “done” will soon become a physical reality. For me, I would love to have another baby and am content to let God determine when my childbearing will come to an end, just as I’ve allowed Him to determine the number and spacing of the children I’ve already borne. But, again, my circumstances have made such a decision easy.
For you, if you and your husband have prayerfully considered the matter and have come to an agreement with which you both are satisfied, I think that is fine. I would encourage you not to do anything permanent, like scheduling a vasectomy or tubal ligation, so as to leave room for changing your mind if in a few more months or years you feel less stressed or begin to yearn for another babe in arms. Also, I would absolutely advise against any form of birth control that is potentially abortifacient, like the Pill or the IUD. Of course, condoms and other barrier methods do not fall into that category, so if you are both in agreement to use them, I think it is acceptable to do so.
Finally, I believe that God honors our choice to trust HIm (or to keep on trusting Him) with our family size, and that He will strengthen and equip us to do whatever He calls us to do, including parenting a large family, but I also believe that the conviction to adopt such a lifestyle must come directly from Him. No couple should feel an obligation to have baby after baby just to keep up with the Joneses. Parenting is hard work, and the bigger the family, the bigger the responsibility. Only God can see you through when the going gets tough, which it does for all of us from time to time.
Hope these thoughts help you to sort this out and to be at peace with the decision you make.
Much love,
Jennifer
Posted in Mailbag, Parenting
Tagged aging, birth control, children, jennifer flanders, morning sickness, parenting, pregnancy, spacing
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Dear Jennifer:
My two-year old has developed a bad habit of whining, and it’s driving the rest of the family crazy. Is there something I can do to curb this, or do we just have to wait for him to grow out of this stage?
- Getting Frustrated
Dear Frustrated: What you’re describing may be a stage, but there are definitely things you can do to help your child outgrow it more quickly. Dealing with whining requires…
* Commitment – Explain to your little boy that his behavior is making it hard for anyone to enjoy his company. Assure him that you love him regardless how he acts, but that you want other people to love him, too, so you’re going to do whatever it takes to help him break his bad habit of whining.
* Consequences – Whenever you give in to whining, you are rewarding and reinforcing such behavior. This must stop immediately. If you hope to help your child overcome this habit, you must make certain his whining never pays off. If he is begging for something he doesn’t really need, like candy at the checkout counter, then deprive him of it completely. If he is whining for something he genuinely does need, like a drink of water when he’s thirsty, then insist that he ask nicely before you give it.
* Cheerfulness – Maintain a happy, cheerful disposition as you address the problem. If you are angry and impatient in your responses to your child, your efforts to modulate his behavior will fall flat. In the above example, when your little boy whines for water, fill the cup, get down on his level, smile broadly, and prompt him, “Do you remember the nice way to ask?” Or simply say the words you want and let him parrot them back: “Water, please?” If you’ll teach your child how to say please in sign language (by rubbing his open hand on his chest in a circular motion), then you can even help him “say please” when he is too upset to utter the words. Gently guide his hand through the motion, then respond enthusiastically, “See? Isn’t that a much nicer way to ask?” as you give him his water.
* Compassion – Keep in mind that language skills vary greatly from child to child. One two-year old may be able to say, “Mommy, I feel thirsty. May I have a small glass of water, please?” while the next can barely string two words together, especially when he’s upset. A child’s mind develops much faster than his ability to communicate, and the results can be frustrating for everybody involved. Ensure that older siblings are sensitive to this fact, as well. They must be made to realize that sometimes little brother whines because he doesn’t yet have the words to express, “I don’t like it when you tease me, so stop doing that!”
* Consistency – You cannot crack down on whining one day, ignore it the next, reward it the following, and expect that approach to work. Consistency is of vital importance in conquering the bad habit of whining. But consistency is also important in children’s schedules, especially at this age. Young children are prone to be cranky whenever they are tired and/or hungry, so keeping to a predictable schedule for meals and naptimes will go a long way in helping your child maintain a more pleasant disposition throughout this “stage” of life.
* Contentment – And last, but not least, remember that we teach best by example. If you find yourself murmuring more than you care to admit or even throwing an occasional tantrum, it could mean that your child has come by his whining honestly. By focusing on the positive, we can replace inner grumbling and complaints with gratitude and contentment. And joy begets joy just as surely as discontent breeds discontent. Keep it up, and your children will eventually catch your enthusiasm for living.
Note: This article first appeared in Jennifer’s “Family Matters” column, published in the April 2011 issue of THE NORTHEAST TEXAN.
Posted in Mailbag, Parenting
Tagged attitudes, cheerfulness, children, consistency, jennifer flanders, parenting, whining
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Dear Jennifer:
How are you supposed to handle a mother-in-law who is impossible to please? No matter what I do, it is never right. I am tired of even trying.
Sign me,
Unappreciated
Dear Unappreciated,
We’ve all known people who are overly-demanding, who seem keen to criticize but incapable of showing appreciation. It takes a lot of grace to deal with such people—and doubly so when they are relatives and cannot be easily avoided. In coping with your mother-in-law, I suggest you follow a few simple guidlines. (This strategy works equally well with difficult bosses, neighbors, or spouses, so give it try next time you find yourself dealing with anyone who seems impossible to please.)
First, weigh her complaints. If they have no basis in reality, dismiss them. If amid all her fault-finding you discover a legitimate concern, address it. Apologize if you have wronged her, adjust your attitude, and mend your ways as needed.
Second, avoid conflict. As much as possible, try not to do things you know will upset her. If she hates to be kept waiting, don’t show up two hours late for lunch. If she resents the time your kids spend with their other grandmother, don’t flaunt the fact that your mother accompanied you on your last family vacation.
Third, forgive her. If you feel weary of even trying to please her, she has undoubtedly hurt your feelings. Let go of any bitterness you may harbor toward her for past cutting remarks. Wipe the slate clean and, in the future, approach her as if you had no bad history together, but were meeting for the first time. If it is necessary or possible to limit the time you spend with her, only do so to protect yourself, not to punish her.
Fourth, show consideration. Pick one or two things you know are important to her and make every effort to do them consistently. Birthdays and Mother’s Day are a big deal to my own mother-in-law. She wants to be remembered with a pretty card, signed by her son, and delivered precisely on the big day. The most important thing to her (getting the card on time) and the most important thing to me (including a long, newsy letter from home) are two different things. If I can’t do both, she’d much rather I send the signed and sealed card in a timely fashion and save the news for later, so that’s what I do.
Fifth, always be respectful. Someday when you are older, you may be a little cantankerous yourself, so treat your mother-in-law with the patience you’d want your daughter-in-law to show you. It may be impossible to keep her happy, but at least you can keep your conscience clear by behaving toward her in a way that is above reproach. Let your actions be based in love, your words be seasoned with grace, and your opinions be held in humility. Make it your goal to do right by her, whether it pleases her or not.
Wishing you the best,
Jennifer
Posted in Mailbag, Marriage
Tagged attitudes, consideration, disapproval, forgiveness, jennifer flanders, mothers-in-law, resentment, respect
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Dear Jennifer:
My kids are driving me crazy with their endless lists of stuff they want for Christmas. I love the holidays, but I hate the commercialism with its selfish focus on me, me, me. And with the economy like it is, I really can’t afford to indulge them this year, anyway. Help!
- Beleaguered Mother
Dear Mother,
Sit your kids down as soon as possible and tell them that they will only be getting one gift this year (or two, or just stockings—whatever scaling back looks like for you) and that you will pick it, so they can keep their wish lists to themselves. Meanwhile, enlist their help in making a new sort of list—a list of things they would like to do all season long to celebrate Christmas together. Activities need not be expensive. Would they like to string popcorn for the tree? Drive around to look at Christmas lights? Watch It’s a Wonderful Life as a family? Sing carols on the neighbors’ doorsteps? Take homemade cards to shut-ins? Try to think of things you can do to serve others this season, as well. When our family made our list several years ago, one child suggested we take hot coffee to the Salvation Army bell ringers when the weather was especially cold—something we’ve done every year since (see what else is on our list).
You’ll want to include all the normal activities that have become cherished family traditions, like going to grandma’s or putting up house lights or making fantasy fudge. But you should also brainstorm to come up with new ideas, like working at the soup kitchen, or reading The Gift of the Magi, or attending a candlelight service. Keep a copy of your list to reference again next year. Add to it as inspiration strikes. You may not always get to every item on the list, but the process of trying will help change your family’s focus from the gifts under the tree to the people around it.
Best wishes for a Christ-filled Christmas,
Jennifer
Posted in Holidays, Mailbag, Parenting
Tagged attitudes, celebrations, children, christmas, family, jennifer flanders, parenting, schedules, time, tradition, traditions
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Jennifer:
We have five children, ranging in age from 2-11. I need to get in shape, but can never find the time with all the kids around. Any suggestions?
Busy Mom
Dear Busy,
Try exercising with your children. Hold push-up competitions. Jump rope together. See who can do the most sit-ups in five minutes. Plug in an aerobics video. A rousing game of tag will get your blood pumping, too. My husband and I actually spent six months training for a marathon with all our kids in tow: the big ones ran alongside us, the middle ones biked, and we took turns pushing the baby in a jogging stroller. It may be a little harder to concentrate on your workout this way, but you’ll build stronger, healthier bodies for your children as well as yourself and make great family memories while you’re at it. So, what are you waiting for?
Blessings,
Jennifer
Posted in Flanders Family Post, Health, Mailbag, Parenting
Tagged children, exercise, family, fitness, jennifer flanders, time, workout
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